Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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