I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
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But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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