This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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