I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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