New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
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It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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