Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
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The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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