Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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