careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
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There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
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It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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