I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
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I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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