good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am naked and annoyed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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