ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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