So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize