I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
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If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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