I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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