Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize