I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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