I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I currently don't understand fingers.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize