I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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