I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
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The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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