I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
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all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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