Swine flu is the new snow day.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
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No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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