So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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