I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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