Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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