Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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