fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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