mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize