I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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