Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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