Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
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Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
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I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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