why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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