3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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