New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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