I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
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I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
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You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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