i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
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Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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