the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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