I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize