Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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