TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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