totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
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I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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