i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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