I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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