I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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