the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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