I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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