So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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