i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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