I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When are your genitals available?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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