I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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