My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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